Funny thing. I wrote this whole post and then had a bit of an epiphany and erased it and now I’m starting over. The gist of what I was writing before was the concept of doing battle with the two parts of you that now seemingly exist: the Before you and the After you. The Before you is the all-trusting, fun-loving, happy-go-lucky you and the After you is the wary, highly-discerning, look-before-you-leap you.
The reason this battle has been on my mind is because the past couple of months, I have questioned whether or not I made the “right” decisions with regards to a romantic relationship. I became almost crippled by anxiety over whether or not I made a huge mistake. So I was writing this out, this concept of fighting in order to overcome your fear and trauma, and then I thought:
“What if you just surrender?” What if, instead of questioning and ruminating and doubting yourself, what if you just trust yourself? What if you trust that, because of the person you are becoming, you will bring beautiful beings into your life (and trust me, you will) and some of these individuals will push you to grow and expand in ways you weren’t even aware of. What if, instead of questioning the end of a relationship, you were simply to say, “I am so grateful for this experience”? What if, instead of using your head, you trusted your body? What if you accepted that there is someone so good coming for you? Someone strong and loyal and deep and interesting and powerful and soulful and dynamic and funny and full of love? Can you feel it? No, really, can you feel that that person is coming?
That person is you.
You are not two parts or two people. You are one whole person, you have always been one whole person, but it is just now that you are finally allowing yourself to tap into the immense power that we were all born with, the power that comes when you act from a place of self-love, self-respect and most importantly, self-trust. You are starting to rid yourself of some damaging, but comforting characteristics. Traits and coping mechanisms you have developed over years and years that have served you well short-term but that are extremely harmful to your future health and happiness. It is really fucking hard to confront these delusions.
So stop fighting, surrender. Surrender to your truth. Accept that unequivocally trusting yourself may not always feel good in the short-term but it will create a rich, interesting, fun, peaceful long-term. Accept that your head and your gut will not always agree. Trust your gut. Accept that you will now start to attract amazing, beautiful partners into your life. Some of these partners will go, and it’s not because they are “bad” or because you made a “mistake,” it's because at this point in time and space, your relationship was always meant to be temporary and you are simply making room for what is to come. The person that is coming, the person that is still forming, she is so proud of you.