The Art of F*cking Up

I’m writing this as a follow-up to my last post, “Trusting Again.” This might not fall under the heading of “Inspirational” but I think it’s important to write about struggles and reality.

When I wrote the last post, I was so proud of myself – I had gotten to a place where I felt like I was on solid ground and I was starting to make decisions that aligned with my long-term mental and emotional well-being. I was doing it! I was actively aligning my actions with my words and reaping the benefits.

And then something shifted. I started questioning and doubting everything. I became unbearably anxious, and I started to doubt my own instincts. I could not stop the fear from seeping in.

I remembered my therapist telling me to “take in all the data as objectively as possible” and I used this as a justification for being hyper vigilant, hyper aware and flat out testing/doubting/searching for signs that people were not who they said. “It’s inevitable,” I thought, “I am going to get hurt.”

For those of you in this same stage, starting to try to trust and open your hearts again for the first time post-psychopath, this may all sound familiar. The deep betrayal and mind f*ckery that you have endured goes well beyond what most people will experience in their lifetimes. I’m not here to offer any magic solution, however I am here to tell you: be patient with yourself and, if you can, learn something from these experiences. The only way to take a f*ck up and turn it into an artful f*ck up is by learning from it. That’s all we can do. Face it, process it and move forward.

I used to think that people living seemingly amazing/joyful/fulfilling lives were born with some sort of inner “right decision” maker. I’m slowly learning that there are no “right” or “wrong” decisions, but rather healthy/healthier decisions based on what we’ve learned from the past. This is a simple sentiment and yet so very hard to put into practice. It is easier to procrastinate. It is easier to go with what feels comfortable and familiar. It is easier to give in to the fear that it (whatever it may be) is out of your hands. I gave into the voice that said, “It is going to happen again, you will be deeply deceived and betrayed, and you will not survive this time,” and the fear was so great that I became unsure of myself, of trusting that I had started to make good, healthy decisions..

Even after knowing everything I know, after building up my boundaries and trust in myself, after realizing that I didn’t need anyone to “complete” me, I am still f*cking up. I’m writing this because I imagine there are many others out there feeling this way. Wherever you are in the process, wherever you are in life, my advice is this: Be gentle with yourself. Maybe you aren't f*cking up at all. Maybe you are: learning, falling, getting up, breaking through, breaking down, expanding, changing.

Keep going.